Allie Brosh (Hyperbole and a Half) Please Don't Kill Spiders.

Like millions of others out there I’ve been floating in a warm pool of adoration for Allie Brosh—she makes me laugh and takes my brain places its never been before.  I don't “leak” like The Bloggess, but I do toot while giggling quite a bit.

Unfortunately, my pool of adoration evaporated pretty quickly after reading her post Spiders Are Scary*.  In this post Allie states:

And this is where my head exploded into a million raging pieces of disappointment.

Go ahead Allie, if you must—HATE. Those. Spiders:

Talk trash about them:

Mess with them:

but KILL them? Why Allie, WHY?!

You have a zillion fans who worship the sofa your curl up on and probably would leap at the chance to sniff your stained hoody.  Your fans regurgitate your words, share your art, and NOW they'll probably kill spiders for you! 

I fear that the population of spiders might dwindle because of you.  At first glance, some might think,“Great! Who cares?" But did you know that we are totally screwed without spiders? And here's why....

Why Allie Brosh And Anyone Crushing Spiders Should Reconsider Their Position
 (fantasy version):

1. Evolution:
Let’s hypothetically say that Allie and her devoted fans manage to wipe out all the spiders in the universe— even the ones floating in space (yes, they've found spiders floating IN space).

Somehow a handful of the cleverest spiders will be able to outsmart Allie and her minions.

It’s almost a guarantee that spiders will come back bigger and stronger—they’ll have a hundred legs, not a measly eight, and triple the eyeballs.

They will go after Allie and her gang with a vengeance—they'll have remembered their ancestors and THEY WILL BE PISSED.

2. Law of Attraction:
Like attracts like:  Positive thoughts attract positive things, negative thoughts attract negative things:

According to the law of attraction your hyperactive hate-fear of spiders will only bring you...MORE SPIDERS!  If this goes unchecked and is permitted to grow undisturbed during your lifetime, the spider manifestations in your life will be never-ending.  For example:

There are 40,000 known varieties of spiders and just one acre of meadow has been estimated to be bursting with more than 2 million of these splendid creatures.


Some spiders float through the sky on updrafts of wind, so they'll get a fantastic arial view of your blazing "spider-hate" aura, which, regrettably for you Allie, will act as a spider-magnet. 

3. Projection:
Projection is a defense mechanism in which a person unconsciously rejects their loathsome characteristics and transfers them outwardly onto unsuspecting beings and objects.

   

4. Karma:
Allie, you could be reincarnated as a caterpillar who gets stuck in a spider's web in order to balance out the karma of a lifetime full of massacring hundreds of spiders and inspiring others to do the same. 

5.  Legacy:
As time marches on, things get lost in translation.  Your current innocent declaration "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" could morph and twist over time:

Why Allie Brosh And Anyone Crushing Spiders Should Reconsider Their Position

 (True, Factual version):

Vital to Our Survival:
Spiders play a crucial role in the food chain.  Without them, insect populations would explode, decimating our food crops, and ecological balance would be compromised.  Many scientists believe that without spiders, the human race would die within months because of lack of food and insect borne diseases.


That's how important spiders are, so don't kill 'em, put 'em outside!

6 Things That you Probably Didn't Know About Spiders

1. Spiders avoid people and are much more afraid of us than we are of them.  
2. Spiders are not bloodsuckers and they do not feed on humans.
3. The majority of spiders are not toxic to humans.
4. Many spiders aren't capable of piercing human flesh. 
5. Only about a dozen of the approximately 40,000 spider species worldwide can cause serious harm.
6. Spider silk is stronger than steel and more elastic than nylon.  The ancient Greeks used spider silk  to stop bleeding wounds.

Spiders are truly magnificent and more importantly they are vital to our survival, so Allie I hope that one day you make friends with ALOT of spiders.

THE END

*Allie's Spiders Are Scary post 
Author's note:  Allie, I adore you with all the glitter and sparkles in the galaxy and I know if you knew how important and magnificent spiders are you probably would not want to kill them.
Maneka Gandhi's enlightening article on spiders.

My friend Terry's photo of a spider on a leaf.